The Most Disgusting Shit I Have Ever Taken

- Here is a sort story i wrote, it is true, it was written for a zine myself and some chumps were meant to be making, but nothing ever came of it, so i present the story to you now. I hope you enjoy it.

Stu x

The Most Disgusting Shit I Have Ever Taken

If you’re like me, you will enjoy a good horror story. I grew up loving tales that made other people squirm with distaste, feeding off their shudders to fuel my laughter. Today ladies and gentlemen, I tell a real horror story. An event that has made me shudder whenever it flashes into memory. This is the story of the most painful experience of my youth.

I must have been 9 years old at the time. I was a plump, young farm kid from the hills surrounding South Molton. When I say plump I mean I was a bit of a Roundy, a Porkling, a graceless hefty. I had been suffering from a very bad patch of constipation, which for someone with my appetite would know makes you very lethargic. It was three days since I had successfully debased myself. This was distressing as I enjoyed a good sit down. I used to play with my warhammer models on the windowsill, battling between the deodorant cans for 40 minutes at a time. I had tried laxatives, they made stuff move, but didn’t clear the blockage. When I told my mother about it she explained the ins and outs of colonic irrigation. I remember thinking; ‘I don’t want to experience that, it sounds like hell, so clinical and unceremonious. No one is ever going to put anything in my ass. Not even god himself’. There was only one option, I confronted the brown barricade head on, or rather fingers on.

I waited until the house was empty so no one would hear me screaming. Went to the throne, unbuckled my trousers, took pew, and started my eye watering endeavour. The pain was unbearable. It felt like someone knifing me. I wrapped some tissue around my index and middle finger and picked a point of good leverage. Took a deep breath and dove in. it was like 2p sized lumps of Caramac coloured gravel. Covered in blood from over stretching. There must have been 15 of the bastards up there. I remember thinking; ‘if my brother finds out about this I will be ridiculed for years to come’. But I kept my mind on the task in hand and dug the balls of hardened shit out until I breached the blockage and the laxative softened crump was free to flow, sloshing out all over my hand. The relief, was a blissful thing, I felt like I had died and come back a stone lighter. Mopping the blood from around my ring with dampened tissue paper with tears in my eyes. ‘Yes’ I thought, ‘I don’t have to have a pipe up my ass. This will never be on my medical record. No one will ever find out.’

Stu